broke a rib
2004-06-09 at 1:17 a.m.

i really wonder, what is it that really hurts.

the truth? the unknown? the future? the uncertain? the past?

what?

that's why.. if we place our hope and trust in all these.. we are bound to be disappointed

God, i know you are our source of hope but it's kernel nature of man to place our trust in what we see

that's why you say. blessed are those who believe by faith and not by sight..

i remember this card: All God's testing has a purpose. Someday you will see the light. All He asks is that you trust in Him, walk by faith and not by sight.

why do i always refer to it in times of these?

ha i'm really a foolish person. always with philosophies of what love is. in fact, i guess i'm just stubborn -> that it's

just MY IDEA of what true love is.

what i said might be 99% true.. but who am earth am i fit enough to say what true love is.

what's its definition anyway? no one but only the creator knows.

maybe it's just lust, maybe it's just a matter of being too used to having someone, maybe it's just "bu she de", maybe...

as i reread the entry. i really can't help but to boil with anger. not at anyone but myself.

i forsook diary writing. not that i do not want to "pen" down my feelings but i guess there wasn't too much a need to go right deep. not that i'm afraid to let others know the true me, but i felt angry at myself for being angry about the unfairness.

i have so many things which i feel, i think, i worry about ... anything you name it..

but i just didn't tell anyone, probably couldn't. not even in my diary.

my darkest secrets. my innermost thoughts, feelings..

i had to go through it silently. doesn't anyone know? no.

i'm a escapist. i run, i avoid.

i used to think real deep, to read into things, being real sensitive but i chose to close it because i didn't want to get hurt.

i treasure the surface, i ignore the haunts inside.

but it hurts really, that someone elses is doing that, to "read" and think a lot.

cause it ain't fair. it's ain't any fair.

so what now? if both knowing and not knowing hurt, which one would you choose?

i guess the earlier. cause at least you know. not till the end when you do not know and you find out about it. it hurts even more.

don't wanna be a hindrance no more. i dun wan to be the source of lust. nor misfocus. maybe i'm always a stepping stone for someone to realise what they want. to really find their true purpose and maybe their real missing ribs.