why did i dream of you?
2006-04-14 at 12:33 p.m.

"It's another day" Ashley muttered under her breath.

She turned on her computer and chatted with some of her friends, she rattled on about her misery.

Realising that she did not have much time left, she carried on with her laundry. She was thankful that her father was at home so that she has no opportunity to cry.

Ashley soon realised that she was actually quite tired, mentally and physically, when she went off to grave visiting with her dad.

She just did everything like a routine. Going home to practise her piano and rushing off for lesson.

Along the way, on the train, she spent a lot of energy fighting off the memories and tears that were somehow overwhelming.

She realised how little practice she had but was unable to do anything about it for this period of time.

After lesson, she dragged her feet, and took buses home with a blank mind.

Her head was actually "seh" fending off her emotions. She walked and walked and walked, refusing to reach home immediately.

Jaded, but she thought that that was a good way for her to stop her crying: make herself so exhausted from controlling and suppressing her emotions that she would be too tired to cry.

But she realised that that would affect the other things that she needed to do.

In any way though, she would not have energy to do other things anyway.

She spoke to her friend, Darren, whom she sensed was going through a terrible time too.

Indeed, she understood his display of wanting to disappear or even to be dead.

She went along with him and they were momentary happy with the "disappearance".

This morning, she forced herself to go back to sleep at 7.35am.

Ashley had dreamt of the special him. She felt so appalled from the fact the she could actually dream of him. She MISSES him so much. Her dream was significantly painful.

She is still controlling and suppressing everything.