I am frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!
2002-03-26 at 10:12 p.m.

Finally.... I'm entering this diary with a more composed mind.

What the hell was happening man? I was just going in circles and circles... I felt like I'm about to die out of the merry-go-rounds my mind sitting on right now.

Jack paged me last night... i promised to give him a call. But yet I'm sorry I fell asleep. He waited till 3 am b4 he went to sleep at 4.30 am.

He paged me today again... I didn't feel like returning his calls. But hell!

I can't forever be running away... I had to face it sooner or later. Great. I called him finally at 6pm.

... He was part of the reason that my heart and mind needed caning from their master.

"Why did you choose him?" "I don't think you made a right choice" "Would you still choose him if you were to choose between me and him" "He may not be true to you"

"Sorry, I shouldn't be speaking to you this way. Yes I still like you. " "I'm disappointed in you.. as a friend" " You can find someone better, you are too young for r/s" "I dunno how true he would be to you" " So since you don't want to get hurt, why are you taking such a great risk and jumping so fast into a r/s" "How well do you know him? What made you so sure he is a good guy?"

Great enough man. I know it's for my own good... I know you said it out of concern and frustration for that moment.. thanks for calling back when you cooled down... at least u could give me a better speech.

I understand I don't blame you.

I'm not stupid.. I thought of all that before myself... I know I get many objections.. but i really got enough feelings to handle myself.. why the f**k should i let what other people say affect me?

Cause I'm weak. I told you. I am backboneless. Since I made that decision, why should others' views affect me? They did it out for my own good.. but the final choice is mine. So why? Because my decision is not strong.

WHy? Because I'm still scared. Don't blame me for being scared, I'm not a saint. I'm human. So since you are scared, why still take that risk?

How the f**k should I know what the outcome will be? I cannot predict the future ... I know this year is my O's I can't let it affect me.. but he promised not to do anything till after O's didn't he? Why am I still doubting everything? Because I'm a weakling, I'm a scardy-cat. Views views views, you or me won't know what is going on inside his mind. Experiences? Ha. If it's so easy... we don't have to fall...

but can i get up after I fall? That is what I'm afraid of?

Wo Zhuo Ren Zhuo De Heng Shi Bai.....