I tried so hard and gone so far but in the end it doesn't really matter
2002-03-26 at 10:32 p.m.

I wish to be drunk.... DEAD drunk...

enduging myself in self-pity and misery is killing me...

Will drunkness take away my pains and sufferings? Maybe for a short period of time .. now i know why Joyce wanna do that.

Joyce, I'm not sweet. I'm perhaps what you said about yourself... Faked understanding friend and faked understanding person ... Faked sensible logical person. I'm too also sick of trying to be a sensitive understanding person ... it's so tiring to be a good person... always thinking about others' feelings and trying to please them.

I have the impulse to be a baddy... someone who does not feel ... become a heartless creature... ought to be shot to death.

Haha.. trying to be a listening for all of your problems when I'm such a lamer not able to settle my own feelings and actions? I'm such a hyprocritical person. A big-time poser. Joyce.. I dare not say that you are not what you are, cause I am not you. But believe me, I have never doubted you as a friend. And if you said you are all you said you are, I am no different from you. Although my faked concern and love for others do not come up so faked ... cos i really do care and love them.

Ok why the heck am I making contridictory statements?

Haha.. one lie leads to another lie. That leads to more lies to cover up for each lie. Soon you'll be in a big shit of lies where you try to make yourself falling endlessly deeper into the shit of lies and soon you will become a big-eyed liar.

oK I don't know what the hell i am talking about .. what happened to my so-called "composed mind"

I think I better think it through.. I mean after so many objections I had made my choice didn't I. Now.. what is hindering me? Alot of things .... ? fEaR,TerrOR,... but whY don'T I go For it? DIe DIe LOr. MAke mY DeciSIon STrOnG. Since you want to love someone. DO it with all your heart. I mean in a possible way. What's the use if you only put in so little in fear of what you receive is not what you give? If I were to die die... But once and again.. I have to be responsible for my decision... I'll be all alone ...