an email to moo...
2006-05-09 at 10:40 a.m.

Hi there moo..

It took me a very long time to muster up the courage to type this out. And of cos I hesitated to transfer it to email. And the number of times I hesitated to click the send button.

I believe tt Siyi has approached u once or twice.. I wanted to meet you face to face to talk things out.
But I figured out tt U might not be ready to face me again, or maybe u never want to face me ever. I dunno..

But I guess I hav to write this� to help myself. To save myself from doing things tt I might regret doing.

First. I would really like to apologise for everything. For all the things tt I shouldn�t hav said or done to hurt u. I�m sorry. I dun think I hav e rite to ask for forgivness.. but I�m truly sorry. But believe me. Watever it is, I�ve never meant to hurt you.

Rmb the time on e train.. I was really hurt.. hurt when u said abt jus being frens.. it was a blow, a big blow to me.. becos I cudn�t stand e tot of losing u.. tt�s y I said all those things.. I was juz overwhelmed with emotions.. i did not realise how much harm it brought upon u.. I�m sorry. But, whatever u said.. really hurt me a lot too..

I apologise on my part.. tt i have had a choice to make too.. but I threw all e responsibility on u to decide on our behalf.. I noe it mus hav been very tough for u.. I�m really sorry�

It�s been exactly a month since we actually spoken.. besides e time when we spoke on msn. All these time.. truly, I�ve been and am still going thru hell..

I get insomnia almost every other day, and the days when I could actually sleep, are the days I�m too mentally exhausted, or I simply drink to sleep. In the initial wks.. I cry everyday. Now.. I think I�m mentally tired to cry out.. but my tears wud simply fall.

I hav no interest in doing anything, practically everything. In times tt I hav no choice, I hav to act as if I�m okie, but on the inside.. the pain, the emptiness. Of cos, I lost my appetite to eat too.
I tried to occupy myself with other things to do.. but the whole time, my subconscious mind brings me back to thinking about u.. n I hav no idea how many times I dreamt about u too. I refused to think I was getting depression.. I refused to. But I guess I�ve better write this mail while I�m still sane enough, before I do things tt I might regret doing.

I�m telling u all these not to make u feel bad, nor to make u worry. I truly want to tell u wat I�m going thru and.. I�ve been thinking of solving it.. but I guess can�t solve it alone without the other party.

I dunno about u.. but I believe some point of time.. u were feeling down too. Maybe u hav gotten over it.. and if u really do.. I�m sorry about this email then.

But let me say my piece.. it mite jus make me feel a bit better.. cos at least I let u noe where I�m coming from.

U noe.. there were many times.. I tot to myself, � I want to tell him how much I miss him.. how I wish we cud start all over again.. how even though there might be difficulties ahead of us... I wish tt we didn�t hav to let go.. but go thru everything tog..�

Now, it came to a point where I understood wat u were telling me.. tt it doesn�t matter just being frens� juz as long as u are special to me..

I dunno if u still feel anything for me.. but I still do.. in fact.. my feelings for u has never decreased.. I still like u very much, I still miss u very much. I�m not asking for anything tho.. except tt I hope we can not treat each other like strangers..

I�ve come to a point.. where no matter wat happens.. even if u moved on.. found ur own happiness.. I�ll still like u like I do..
Rmb what I told u? That no matter wat, I�ll support u in all u do.. I�ll still care for u, still wish e best for u.. my wish is to see u happy..

My frens.. they ask me to move on.. maybe one day I might.. it might jus take me forever to..

as for now.. I noe I will never be better.. I can only learn how to live with it..
becos e day I�ll be fine, would be a day someone better comes along.. but deep in my heart, I know there wouldn�t be anyone better..

I dun understand y I like u this much� my friend asked.., �what would I do if he was just in front of you?� �I would embrace him without second thoughts.� Ha ha enough of my wishing thinking..

well, I dun wan to live with a regret in my life.. as least I�ve let u noe how I felt.. I dun wan to juz let it slip away like tt..

u can choose not to reply me.. u can choose to ignore me.. but if u rmb wat u said about not smiling.. I will never smile again.. if we remain e way we are now

I guess I will stop this hesitation of not sending this email to u� becos I dun wan to end up really not going for e grad ceremony. I�ve been thinking 101 ways to be absent from it, from feigning illness to whatever not..
but I guess only facing up to it will help, dun wan my parents to be disappointed out of my own �cowardness�

I guess I�ll jus have to stop here� there are so many things i wish to say� but I dunno how to go on anymore�

Thanks for being patient in reading this mail... Meanwhile take good care of yourself.. wish u all e best.. esp in NS..

N did u noe, despite e pain.. u are one of e best things tt can ever happen in my life.. ;)

love,
mao